Anyone who knows me better than average and follows me on my socials might have guessed already that there’s been something unusual with my instagram stories lately. As much as I hate to admit it, the side of me that I’ve shown for the past 5-6 months on my instagram profile doesn’t really exist. It never did.
When I first create that page, it was supposed to be a place where I would share my blog posts. Eventually as I started to feel more comfortable there, I felt like I had found another comfort zone on the internet besides my blog. And things were great after that… at least for a while.
That was until I revealed my online presence to my real life.
A girl who’s practically non-verbal to the outside world turns out to be a yapper online. Doesn’t make any sense, right? But why? Well, no body is interested in finding out. But that definitely seems fake. She’s so fake.
Oh, if only you cared to read a little.
I had a good school life. I had great friends, great teachers… I made everyone proud. But when I look back at my highschool days, no matter how hard I try I can barely remember any good, any fun conversations I had aside from studies. They would talk to me about the syllabus, the homework, ask me about the assignments and projects, take my hand and put me in the front whenever they needed a representative to talk to the principal, but I barely remember anyone ever asking me “Hey, have you watched this movie?”. When we played antakshari one day, someone said jokingly “your turn, Poorwa. But sing in a language we can understand” and everyone began laughing.
I laughed too. Everything felt alright back then.
I thought I would just keep my online and offline lives separate. Both of them were real, both of them were me, then who cares if one side is different than the other.
But then high school ended, and I could already feel the distance growing between me and my friends. We weren’t used to texting or calling each other. It didn’t matter because we would see everyone at the school all day anyway. But now that school was over too, I didn’t want to lose touch with them so I opened my Instagram profile for everyone I knew at school. Soon, I made another decision and opened the gates for my relatives too.
That, I’m still not sure was a mistake or not.
Well, probably not. I don’t regret it. There was always a part of me that felt guilty for not opening up to them. How can someone know me well if I won’t let them? My online friends know what kind of music I like, what books I finished reading recently, or which series I’m looking forward to watching…. How? Because I share it to them. And they read my blogs.
I hardly ever talk about these things in my real life. So I thought maybe if I make some amends, maybe if I try to bring these two different lives together, perhaps we can form a better understanding. Maybe if I let them know that there are other things too that I do besides studying, we can have some fun conversations at last.
But those fun conversations never came true. I kept wishing for my old best friends to say that your drawing has improved, I kept waiting for them to reply to my stories at least once. Oh those replies… I wonder why they never reached my inbox. Now it just seems like they never cared to know about me that well, or maybe I didn’t let them when they might have cared. My inbox is working just fine I guess. At least I receive those ‘happy birthday’ texts once a year.
When I entered college, I was determined to not let the same thing happen over again. I tried to open up the best I could. Soon, all my new friends were aware of my blog. That was the first time I ever got a compliment for my writing from a friend in person. It meant so much to me I can’t explain that in words. Although even my college friends are not active readers of my blog, and that’s totally okay for me, at least they don’t give me a silent treatment. And it makes my day whenever someone tells me that they read my new post. These occurrences don’t happen often, but that’s fine with me.
But here’s what has been bothering me for the last few months. The thing is, the door that I opened for my irl acquaintances was supposed to let only some people in. But that plan has now failed very badly. There’s no door anymore for gatekeeping, and the more people who know me in real life get to see my other side (that I love the most but for them it’s a stranger, or worse – someone fake), the more uncomfortable I feel being myself there.
I can’t stand their silence anymore. And I hate that I can’t explain myself to them, because, well, when we do see each other sometimes, the only conversation we have goes like “Have your finals started yet?” I think some things never change at all. And, they’re not interested enough to read this. Some who do care, they understand.
But I’m sick of trying to merge these two sides of myself that are both me but different. It’s as simple as ‘you don’t talk the same way to your parents the way you talk to your siblings’. But that doesn’t mean either side of you is fake, is it?
One thing I’m trying to learn this year is to embrace all aspects of me. Each of them belong with different people, and altogether, they make me. I can be the nerd I’ve always been when I’m with my school friends, I can the kid I am for my family when I’m with my relatives, and I can be ‘a girl with too many hobbies’ when I’m with my online friends. I don’t have to force these little universes of mine to collide, just to please others. I’ve come to realize that they can be true and peaceful on their own. And I can be whatever I want, wherever I go.
So here comes a little announcement…
I’m creating a new profile on Instagram that will be solely dedicated to my blog, my writings, my hobbies, and everything in between. I want to make it a place where I can freely be myself and share everything I like without having second thoughts about what others might say. And if you’re reading this, no matter whether we met online or offline, you’re welcome there. My old profile (@poorwa_sblog), I’ll use it for personal updates but I won’t be much active there. So it’s totally okay if you unfollow me there.
Then, I hope to see you on @infjscripts now.
Wow, this was quite a long post. Thanks a lot for reading. It means a lot to me.
Then I’ll see soon with my next post. Take care!
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