Only one year left till I complete another decade on earth?
Oh yeah… seems like I’m cooked, for real this time.
Hey everyone. Welcome or welcome back to Poorwa’s blog. So as you might have guessed already, I’m officially 19 now.
Honestly speaking, turning 19 is not really as bad as I thought….. actually, it’s worse.
Just kidding lol (Wait, am I really?). To make it clear, by ‘bad’ (or ‘worse’) I’m not really talking about age here. I’m not saying in any way something like “oh my gosh, I’m getting old” or “I don’t have much time, I’m getting so much behind everyone else”. No, please don’t misunderstand me. Though honestly speaking, I still do get those thoughts time to time even when I know that it’s ridiculous to think about age when it’s literally just the beginning of my life right now.
When I was a kid, sometimes when I saw college or highschool students, I’d be like “Wow, it must be a cool life.” I always liked the idea of being a person with responsibilities, someone who makes their own decisions, maybe not all of them but still, having that sense of self, you know? I admired that a lot.
I used to think when I turn 18 or 19, I will… you know, show the world. Not gonna lie, I had quite big expectations from my future self. And now when I’m finally where I once desired to be, I have nothing. “Turning 19 is not really as bad as I thought….. actually, it’s worse.” Because deep down, I can’t help but feel like I’m failing myself.
And it’s funny because if I heard someone else saying these things to me, I would just tell them to stop thinking too much about it and I would tell them that it’s okay and they are doing just fine. And I truly mean all that. But when it comes to myself, I don’t know what just happens to me.
I keep having disagreements with my own opinions. In the last 15 minutes, the moment I started writing this post, it feels like my inner voices are constantly at odds – one says “this is so stupid, stop whining and write something that’s worth reading”, the other one says “what’s the point of having this blog if you can’t share your own feelings”. Both have a point. A huge part of me is excited about how life will be in my twenties, but maybe an even bigger part of me is afraid of things not working out.
What’s even funnier is that if I talk about these problems to elders, they’ll just be like “who’s pressurizing you? Just do it at your own pace”. And then the next day, they will be suggesting I apply for this job, about which they clearly know nothing but according to them, since it’s a government job I should definitely apply for it, shouldn’t I? Seriously, I don’t understand society’s obsession with government jobs and trying to push us students into that direction. Their argument is “It provides financial security for life”. Well, what about my mental security, sir? At least give us some time to find our own ways.
The thing is yes, I know I will find my way when it is time, but meanwhile, I’m literally afraid of making every single decision whether it’s deciding what to do after graduation or deciding what to do the next morning. Because the bitter truth is that, after I complete my graduation there will come a day when people will stop asking me about my career plans and start bringing marriage proposals at my door.
It sucks, but that’s society for you. I’m saying this all from experience because I have an elder sister and marriage is one topic people love to bring up when they’re having a conversation with my family. Though I’m glad to have a supportive family who respects our decisions and won’t try to force anything upon us, I still want to do something important with my life before I get to that stage where we have to face unnecessary people’s unnecessary questions.
On a positive note, I’m not actually thinking too much about all this all the time. These are just some thoughts that went through my mind the night before my birthday. And as I’ve said multiple times on my blog before, I want to document my life through writing and every other hobby of mine, and it does not mean only saving the good moments, but I also want to remember all the ups and downs and just everything in between.
I’m grateful to have such a loving family and wonderful friends, I really couldn’t have asked for a better 19th birthday. Growing up can be a little scary but at the same time it’s thrilling. And all the worries of the future aside, I’m excited to see what this new year brings me. At last, I want to thank y’all for the love and support you’ve shown me. I don’t have words to explain how lucky I feel every day to have so many amazing people in my life…. and just thank you for being there.
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