Hey there! This is Poorwa.
There are so many things I want to write about and share with y’all but I just don’t know where to start.
A lot has been going on but also at the same time, I feel stuck. The last semester of my bachelor’s programme starts today and on the outside, I pretend like I have everything figured out but someone help me… I just don’t know.
I do have plans but I also have imposter syndrome. I keep trying to tell myself over and over again that I can do it, that I can figure it out, but let’s just face it. There’s a difference between you yourself telling you that and somebody else doing it for you. Most of the time, everyone else is trying to push you into an experiment they themselves never succeeded at, and will they ever admit to it? Who am I even kidding?
They make it sound like their way is a hundred percent bullet-proof journey to success. And it’s frustrating when you start to doubt your own potential because of such lectures. Even worse when the people who are supposed to support you take a guest’s side and you’re nothing but a dustbin in the room that is expected to clean up the mess everyone leaves behind.
Everyone supports a good student until they’re in highschool. Go to college and you will have the honor to find out from other people what a burden you are to your family. You’ll have to think twice before mentioning further studies because apparently, you are well eligible to get a nice job but you don’t actually want to try because you’re lazy, you’re delusional and have no idea about the “reality” of the world. Now where do I make space for my dreams between what I am right now and a job I don’t want but might have to do?
Amidst all this, I feel grateful to have some people in my life that actually care. Yeah, they might sometimes say things that I disagree with, but at least they won’t push me over the tracks to get me on a train I don’t want to.
To be honest, I don’t want to graduate this soon. Not when I finally feel like I’ve found my people. It’s funny how you never realize how mistreated you were until you meet someone who actually treats you right. I can see it now. I see it in the sense of peace I have when I know I’m a bit late but I don’t have to worry about walking alone to class, I know they’ll be there waiting for me. I see it in their smiles when they tease me for being too busy, but when we suddenly start walking towards the cafeteria and I ask “wait, you haven’t had lunch yet?” I get a side-eye and a laugh in response that translates to “no, we were waiting for you.”
And even though we don’t talk about it, we know after a few months we won’t be meeting like this again. All of us will go on our own ways. Someone will still be a student, someone will get a job, someone will get married, and maybe someone will be juggling it all. But if someday you see me on the other side of the street, I hope you will stop for a moment and call my name.
And I hope you will wait there for me again when I try to cross the distance between us.
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