Being a student is an easy job I used to think. Little did I know that with time it will become the hardest struggle I would come across at a stage of my life? Until I started a new chapter of my life on my first day of high school in 9th grade, I was careless and filled with the excitement of growing up. I remember how in 9th and 10th grade, I didn’t like being a junior. I was too desperate to choose a stream in 11th and finally get graduated from school after passing 12th finals. Now that I’m just an inch away from what I looked for in literally my whole school life, why my excitement doesn’t seem to be there anymore…
I have no problem when people around me expect good results from me, they are my well-wishers and I intend to do everything for their happiness. 12th grade was hard academically. I was stressed out and there was a lot of pressure in every way possible. Still, I was fine because I knew it had to be like this, everyone goes through the same. So I tried my best and gratefully I had no regrets like I should’ve worked harder after my exams ended. I felt free and relieved that finally I’ll get a deserving break in summer vacations and I’ll start my college life in a new and refreshed mood. But that dream-like break didn’t even last a month.
I’ve been getting unwanted suggestions from every person I see lately. Not that I think I’ll be able to do all my future planning on my own, I need others’ help and support. But the thing is that I know whose advice I want. I can’t accept everyone’s ideas and no one has the right to impose their decisions on me. It would be fine if they just said, “You should think about this, this could be good for you” but no, they’re like, “This is the best for you.”
And when they say something like that and expect a yes from me, I sometimes wish to just disappear and run away from all this mess. It’s hard for me to say no to someone whom I know cares about me and is saying something for my good but why is it so hard for them to understand that there’s a difference between ‘good’ and ‘best’? And without knowing my thoughts and opinions you can’t decide what’s the best for me.
I respect my teachers a lot. They’ve been supporting and helping me throughout the past years endlessly. But is it right to force me to choose a career without even asking me if I want to do that or not? Like, what I choose now will decide what I’m gonna do and how my student life will be forever. I wasn’t happy saying no to them but they literally left me no other choice.
These thoughts have been eating me up lately. Yeah, I knew that this annoying matter would happen one day but I didn’t know it will be this difficult. I never want my actions to hurt anyone but the thing is that I love and care about myself too. I have my own interests and dreams, and at the end of the day, I’ll be alone in all this but that’s definitely not a problem if I’m doing something I was glad to choose.
Oh, I totally went on writing a rant post, I didn’t intend to write this honestly but I don’t know I feel comfortable when people share their relatable experiences with me so I wrote about what’s going on in my mind lately, and as always – writing feels good. You guys don’t have to worry about me really, I’ll be fine. I’ve accepted hard situations and they don’t really bother me that much now, instead, I feel irritated and frustrated. But I know this too shall pass.
In tough times, I’ve felt that music has always been there with me. I cry with it, I smile with it. Just before writing this post, I was feeling kinda neutral, an hour before that I was angry, and now after creating the featured image for this post I feel good. Call me obsessed but K-pop has been literally saving me from negative things lately, does it sound foolish if I say a musical genre seems to care about me when I feel like no one’s around? I feel grateful to have this obsession.
Someone I admire once said…
“Don’t try hard to be happy. Just let it go and feel how great it is.”
“It’s okay even if things happen. It’s not like you’re okay or you can do it. It’s more like, “so what ?”. Such is life. Things can happen and it’s okay. It’s not about overcoming challenges. It’s about living with them. If there’s pain, you live with pain. If there’s happiness, you live with happiness. that’s it.”
“Life is tough, no it’s not tough. There are tough moments when it feel like the tough moments happened nonstop. It’s not your fault it’s the situation, the situation is what makes you struggle. So you can blame the situation not yourself.”
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