After all, I guess, they were right when they said you always find your way back home.
It’s not like this was my first time logging out of WordPress and not looking back for months. Every time I took a break from blogging and came back, this platform had changed somehow.
And I’m not going to lie: I didn’t like that at all. I strongly missed (and still do) how things used to be here when it all first started for me five years ago. Back then when I would literally forget that backspace existed and keep writing with my broken grammar until my heart was all out on the screen in front of me.
This time however, when I’m coming back after three months, my life in itself has changed so much that no other change could capture my attention right now.
Am I still the same person from five years ago who was just getting onto this random journey because she was bored? But do I even get bored now or am I just always tired… like all the damn time.
I barely get surprised anymore. Somehow any news that I come across, in the back of my mind at some point I’ve already accepted something worse than that, and it’s not that it eases the pain or grief in any way, but I just become numb. Which little me would’ve never thought I would be… I think she would definitely get surprised. And to the present me, it has been the new normal for the longest time.
I was never so compelled to delete this blog as I was in the past few weeks. Everything just felt too heavy I was even ready to cut off ties that I once chose myself in order to build a space that I could call mine. That particular thought came to me when I was not feeling like myself. The very thought of visiting my own blog felt like stepping into a stranger’s house and feeling small – smaller than my younger self.
But no matter how different my reality is from the version of me that I’d created in my mind when I was a kid, two of my dreams somehow came true which still feels surreal to me. This blog is the reason behind the first blessing – I have a community that actually listens to what I have to say and has never once judged me for anything. A group of beautiful souls and literally strangers that I’ve never had the opportunity to meet but still, we hear each other.
My second dream was fulfilled by another group of people whom I didn’t understand at first, for months, maybe for two years, but when our time truly came – they gave me the most beautiful memories of my life.
Now I’ve completed my undergrad. Got a job that also leaves me with plenty of time to enjoy my own company – I feel like I’ve stepped into a new era of my life. Which when I say it like this sounds all exciting and… I can’t really remember the right word right now but you get the point, don’t you? Another truth is that, and it’s hard for me to talk about it, this is also one of the most (if literally not the absolute most) depressing period of my life. And the worst part is that I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix it. One moment, everything is fine. The other, you realize nothing is.
But maybe this is life. Such moments remind me of all the beautiful things that I’m grateful for. How lucky I am to be able to share my thoughts like this. How lucky I am to document my life, to leave proof of all the sufferings and all the wins, of all the dreams and… add here whatever rhymes the best.
So yeah, I will try my best to push all those negative thoughts aside and keep showing up. This is me coming home – more than ever strong, emotionally wrecked, obsessed with music, and believing in better days.
Yours truly,
Poorwa
Poorwa's blog 
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