Poorwa's blog

I took a personality test online. It was years ago — two or four, I don’t really remember. I lost track of time a while ago. Back then, it used to scare me how months seemed to be getting shorter — a huge disappointment if today wasn’t more productive than yesterday. It’s different now though.

I’m indifferent.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that I don’t hate myself for the smallest mistakes I make. Otherwise I, the privileged youngest wherever I go, would have thrown a tantrum and made it a point to let everybody know that I nearly fractured my thumb the other day while closing the car door shut. On the contrary, I found myself patiently waiting for my mother to finish tending to the wound so I could go on with my day and perform my next trick.

In the silence of my room though, when the show is on hold for half a round of the hour hand, I asked myself what exactly had changed.

It was not the first time my mind had read aloud that sentence. Every time I come to the answer “Everything”, but I never feel that satisfaction because I don’t know what exactly caused this life to turn out this way.

Maybe I’ve been asking the wrong questions all along.

Sometimes, I abruptly catch my own lies in the mirror and the reflection laughs at my misery.
“Is it that you haven’t found your answers yet or you just don’t want to accept what you have come to learn?”

Which brings me to think about that moment when I read that people with my kind of personality are highly understanding. For the love of whom, I don’t know, but they are. The fools who would be focused on grasping the underlying motivations of the disease even when it were killing them inside.

Always jumping to the rescue of others, even strangers… Especially strangers. That’s easier  because you don’t expect them to defend you the same way. You go on with your day like nothing happened. What hurts is when those who were supposed to be there for you, downplay your struggles and turn it into a competition of who’s had it harder.

And you will be mad for a moment, say that you don’t care, but again, go back to try and fix something that you didn’t break.

After all, you understand.

But did you ever succeed at understanding yourself? The way you went from being so full of life to the one who has started to believe that surviving is enough?